An Email From Our Brothers In Nigeria (or Hong Kong??)

Guess what I got when I checked out my church email today.... here is the contents:

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Subject Line: BIBLES FOR CONVERTS

Dear Precious Servant of God,

Calvary greetings to you and the members of your Church.

Endtime Harvest Community Church has a mandate of reaching the good news of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ to Inmates in the Prison, Market and rural Communities and we do preach in Schools as well whether private or public Schools and I am glad to tell you that Precious Souls are been saved through the Saving message we preach to them and they are glad to be born again and Praise God for the Salvations of muslims Brothers and Sisters who are now born gain through the power of God. My name is Pastor Jennifer Mesko and it was
really a great miracle for person like me to be born again because I was deep in the worshipping of Idols along with my Brothers and Sisters and my parents were not left out as well and I thank God today they are all saved and preaching the message of salvation to Souls in our Community and beyond.

And I pray that this letter finds you in good health and how is your family and the working you are doing for the Lord in your Country and I believe it is going well by the grace of God. My beloved Brethren, I am writing you this mail believing God that you will help us with 22 Large Print Bibles for Precious Converts who are in need of them and cannot buy one because they are poor in terms of finance and they are old as well. I pray that as you send us these Bibles God Almighty will reward you abundantly and exceedingly. Please, do mail these Bibles to our Address below and pray for the Precious Souls in our Orphanage
home as well. God Bless you abundantly and my regards to your lovely
family.

Looking forward to your respond my Dear Brethren in Christ.

Saving Souls For the Kingdom,

Pastor Jennifer Mesko
Endtime Harvest Community Church
237 harvest community Church Avenue
Egoru Road G.P.O 8950
Benin City,Edo State, Nigeria.

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So the sender is from Nigeria? Just the sort of the people who would know, as they are right there at the coal face of the good work being done by the church providing aid for Africa.

Sounds like a very reliable source! Especially when I consider the other factors: the email was sent from an ".edu" address (who wouldn't trust an education establishment??). I am just a little confused with how come the email's header specifies the reply-to path is a free Hong Kong email address... now how on earth does that make sense?!

But silly me, I shouldn't have suspicions of a fellow Christian so I've put my concerns to the side and I'm eagerly looking forward to the reply from Jennifer. I shall keep all my faithful followers updated!

THIS FILM MUST BE BANNED!

Today we have a guest sermon from one of our faithful congregation of Density Church:


To all the Chosen gathered here in the presence of his most high reverend Bishop/King Brian. I address you, nay beseech you in our time of need.


I Arthur Idyard Hill, Humble servant of the Lord have in my internet researches discovered an insidious plot masquerading as common entertainment to the unknowing sheep out there. The evil of which I speak is a Film Named [REC]2.
Although I am loathe to discuss the details I must dwell constantly day and night on unspeakable acts to save the rest of you from the same spiritual pain. Hear me speak of its particularly shocking and abhorrent nature here:



And join me on the Face book group BAN REC2 FROM NZ!

Thank you and Remember! Satan messes your hair now, not because of what you've done, but because of what you're going to do.

Yours in Density, Arthur Idyard

The Bishop wants to become a King

In recent days the Destiny Church has announced that 700 men have signed a pledge to follow their leader, Brian ‘not a hair out of place’ Tamaki, wherever he may go. The covenant was unveiled at the recent Destiny Conference where this new covenant was delivered via a slick PowerPoint and media presentation with accompanying confetti and balloons.

Mainstream media have focussed on some of the trivial aspects of this new covenant, such as bowing down before their leader, not eating before he starts his tucker and providing him with impromptu gifts. This media focus has outraged the local Freemason Society who are understandably gobsmacked by the sudden celebrity status of Destiny Church. Their leader, Iva Limpheart, was reported as saying “we have been running a bona-fide cult now for 72 years in New Zealand and we get no free advertising through the media. Destiny Church come along and writes a small pamphlet styled, Xeroxed produced, list of dos, don’t and follow me and they get instant Cult status. They don’t even have a secret handshake, one of the basic foundations of any cult. Deplorable.”

Here at Density Church we located and read the entire covenant which highlights some of the less talked about protocols the ‘Mini Tamakies’ will have to follow. While I have only had time to skim read the 666 page document it does make for some alarming reading and I wonder how these men will have time to commit to such a daunting task. Much of the writing is very forcefully with extensive use of Old Testament verses as ‘cornerstones’. Sadly, due to heavy editorial commitments I will focus on three of the real dangerous aspects of this covenant.

Firstly, men will have to style their hair incorporating the ‘Tamaki’ wave. This is a time consuming and delicate hair process that requires constant combing and excessive use of hair gel bought from K-Mart. However, the results are startling and if blow dried in the correct manner ensure you are part of the Destiny clan. History shows that the ‘Tamaki’ hairstyle has changed over the years as fashion in New Zealand has also moved. Thankfully, the style is so adaptable that only minor Destiny Church constitutional changes were required during the mullet era of the 1980’s and the shaggy ‘I just woke up’ style popular in the 1990’s. Scriptural backing for this strange focus comes from 1 Corinthians 11:3 where it says ‘Now I want you to realise the head of everyman is Christ.’

Secondly, when reading the covenant I was struck by the levels of commitment that many followers will be expected to reach. Most of them will need to buy a lavish array of boats, motor cars and motorbikes just to keep up with their leader. As one eager Destiny Church member said last week after signing on the dotted line;

“How can I follow Brian if he is in his 50 foot, twin hulled, nuclear powered launch and all I have is a 25ph Mercury on a 12ft tinny. Tomorrow, I’m extending the mortgage, cancelling the telephone and putting a down payment on a new Bayliner 350XL and a Harley Davidson in case the Bishop heads for the hills. Wherever the Bishop goes I will follow!”

While I felt this man’s enthusiasm was a little misguided, when reading this part of the covenant I kept thinking “How close does one have to follow Bishop Tamaki?” The covenant does call for total dedication but the man already has 15 bodyguards when he goes to the toilet. Add to that the 700 who signed on today and the cubical is starting to fill very quickly.

Finally and most concerning for me is that fact that under the new covenant people will not be able to disagree openly with the Bishop. While I understand his logic in putting this in his covenant, Bishop Tamaki will have a harder time ensuring this works effectively. I speak from personally experience here as I once tried a similar contract with my family. Sure things went well for the first 7 minutes but then my wife read what I had called ‘The Ten Commandments for living with Ozy’ and she just ripped it up.

My fear is that this will surely put many men in difficult positions. Firstly, The Bishop is from Rotorua and probably supports the Bay of Plenty Steamers Rugby team. While I have no problem with that would happen if at the annual church BBQ the topic around the cookery turned to rugby. Everybody would have to wait until the Bishop had spoken about who he thought would win and then it would be just an agree-athon between everyone else. Heaven help the man who went against Bishop Tamaki and suggested a Canterbury victory.

While I have only focussed on the negative the covenant does have some good points. Please remember dear reader there is always two sides to every coin tossed into the Destiny Church offering plate each week. The main benefit is for the Destiny Political Party as they now have 700 new people signed on which will hopefully mean they will double their entire vote count for the next election. Importantly though, the covenant challenges New Zealanders to improve their lives as humans, as fathers and as leaders in the community. While you might not agree with some aspects of the covenant we all must agree that improving our families and communities is an important step for New Zealand.

The perfect 'Tamaki' hairstyle. This is the 2005 version which includes less of a mullet, but still gives room for improvisation- as long as its within the DCC-HA (Destiny Church Constitution - Hairstyle Appendix)

Poor me, I'm living on the poverty line....

Am barely scrapping by... please donate more money so I can carry on my good works.

Church gives Tamaki huge bonus

Brian Tamaki is given up to $500,000 every year in donations from Destiny Church members on top of his six-figure salary, according to a former employee.

Jesus goes to Destiny Church

Jesus is not pleased by what he sees at Destiny Church....

(skip to 1:57 for when Jesus starts singing & earlier 1:31 for when he starts clearing the temple out...)

Questions for Density Church: Taking it to the "next level"

As always feel free to ask us any spiritual questions about Density Church, and either I or one of my anointed congregation will answer it for you.

Here is our latest question, from Cameron Gray:

Brian, I'm not really ready to make another commitment to the church, but i do need answers. I have talked to my friend David here alot and well.... I have been with my girlfriend for a very long time (2 years) and was just wondering, does the destiny church think its ok to... ugh... take it to the next level? I know dave (sadly broke up a little while ago) was in a relationship and was nearly there but decided not to. It's hard being virgins unlike all of our friends

Thank you Cameron for you thoughtful question, I hope you will soon see the light that I am the one spokesman here on Earth for God and to join us at Density Church this coming Sunday.

And no, I do not believe it is appropriate for a person of your spiritual age to "take it to the next level" and start holding hands with another person of the opposite gender (it IS of the opposite gender right?).

Cameron replies with a follow up question...
Everyone tells me: "it's not gay if you're friends"

Answer...
I do believe the phrase you are looking for is: "it is not gay if you don't push back", which is of course completely false.

As we know (those of us who have been dutifully going along to Density Church) if you so much as look at a person lustfully then you have already sinned.

So thus we find from our studies that if you even thought of having sex with your friend then it as if you have already done this sin (and if you have already "done" it.... then having sex with him is not going to make any difference is it?).

Reference: "But I tell you that whoever looks at a woman and cherishes lustful thoughts has already in his heart become guilty with regard to her." Matthew 5:28

Yours in the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Lord High Bishop Brian Tamariki

Brian Tamaki Talks About His Love For Drugs