Te Waha Nui article: The Density Church — enough is never enough

God take pity on the innocent who stray from the path of righteous spelling. While googling or their esteemed pastor Brian Tamaki, Destiny Church members could end up following the Church of Density. The church is led by senior pastor Brian Tamariki, supported by his wife Penni. Tamariki is also the chairman of the Committee for Post-Raptural Mission. CPRM is a
charitable organisation which prepares and prints instruction booklets “for non-Christians left
behind after Jesus comes again to whisk away all the Christians who are good bible-believing, church-going, spirit-filled, tithe-giving, happy-clap-ping children of God!” Amen!

One of Density’s key issues is the growing number of gay sheep in New Zealand. Density members marched on Parliament in uniform black “Sheep are sheep” to protest ovine moral decline. They were joined by heterosexual sheep in their protest. Tamariki was quoted as saying: “You know, Jesus was the Good Shepherd, and he sure wouldn’t have let any of his
flock go gay.”

Density is so tight with the holy trinity that it offers you a personal relationship with Jesus. It’s a good thing he’s up with the times, because all you have to do is email him and if you demonstrate the faith he’ll email you right back.

Pastor Tamariki says the Bible has the answer to everything. The site dedicates a page
to those hard-to-answer questions for all God-fearing Christians. Does the Bible have tips on
sheep breeding techniques? Does menstruation make you filthy and impure? Is it a sin to have nocturnal emissions? Is it your wife’s fault you feel jealous? The Bible has an answer and Pastor Brian Tamariki provides his flock with answers from the gospel. If you’ve made it to the poverty line this month you can visit the Density Church shop. Show how much you love God’s conduit. You can declare “Keep Your Bottoms Holy, Sodomites” on everything from baseball jerseys to drinks coasters (for that boozy late night personal reminder). If your body is acting unholy you can warn your brethren with a “DON’T TOUCH – I’m menstruating this week” thong or shirt for the ladies, or “DON’T TOUCH – I’ve just had a nightly emission” boxer shorts or t-shirt for the men.

Like Tamariki says: “Don’t hold out on Jesus, he wouldn’t hold out on you.” If you are googling for righteous Destiny, follow your rightful path “happy clapping for Jesus!”

—By Marcus Stickley

Density Church marches agains Gay sheep

Thousands of Density church members, clad in black shirts, marched on Parliament on Friday to voice their opposition to the "growing numbers of gay sheep".

The march was organised after a recent scientific study, published in the Journal of Endocrinology, demonstrated that some 8% of sheep displayed homosexual proclivities. The report, which discovered a link between homosexual orientation and the volume of oSDN cells in sheep, has outraged members of Density Church, who consider it to be evidence of moral decline amongst sheep communities.

"It's just not natural," Tamariki claimed in his address. "My grandfather was a farmer in the King Country in the 1950s, and he says there certainly weren't any gay sheep in his day. He told me himself that there was none of that sort of carry on amongst his flocks. So you have to ask why 8% of sheep have suddenly gone gay today.

"To my mind, there is only one reason for this," continued Tamariki. "Sheep are not being as strongly disciplined as in the past. Through lax standards, too many sheep are being given the run of the land, and have fallen into moral degeneracy.

The Density crowd were confident that tougher sheep legislation could put an end to this outbreak of ovine homosexuality."Yeah, sheep shouldn't be gay. Sheep are sheep," commented one of the marchers, Wiremu Johnson (aged 6).

"You know, Jesus was the Good Shepherd, and he sure wouldn't have let any of his flock go gay," commented Tamariki. "So if Jesus could have had 100% straight sheep, then so should we. Let's bring this country back to normality! Sheep are sheep!!"