THIS FILM MUST BE BANNED!

Today we have a guest sermon from one of our faithful congregation of Density Church:


To all the Chosen gathered here in the presence of his most high reverend Bishop/King Brian. I address you, nay beseech you in our time of need.


I Arthur Idyard Hill, Humble servant of the Lord have in my internet researches discovered an insidious plot masquerading as common entertainment to the unknowing sheep out there. The evil of which I speak is a Film Named [REC]2.
Although I am loathe to discuss the details I must dwell constantly day and night on unspeakable acts to save the rest of you from the same spiritual pain. Hear me speak of its particularly shocking and abhorrent nature here:



And join me on the Face book group BAN REC2 FROM NZ!

Thank you and Remember! Satan messes your hair now, not because of what you've done, but because of what you're going to do.

Yours in Density, Arthur Idyard

The Bishop wants to become a King

In recent days the Destiny Church has announced that 700 men have signed a pledge to follow their leader, Brian ‘not a hair out of place’ Tamaki, wherever he may go. The covenant was unveiled at the recent Destiny Conference where this new covenant was delivered via a slick PowerPoint and media presentation with accompanying confetti and balloons.

Mainstream media have focussed on some of the trivial aspects of this new covenant, such as bowing down before their leader, not eating before he starts his tucker and providing him with impromptu gifts. This media focus has outraged the local Freemason Society who are understandably gobsmacked by the sudden celebrity status of Destiny Church. Their leader, Iva Limpheart, was reported as saying “we have been running a bona-fide cult now for 72 years in New Zealand and we get no free advertising through the media. Destiny Church come along and writes a small pamphlet styled, Xeroxed produced, list of dos, don’t and follow me and they get instant Cult status. They don’t even have a secret handshake, one of the basic foundations of any cult. Deplorable.”

Here at Density Church we located and read the entire covenant which highlights some of the less talked about protocols the ‘Mini Tamakies’ will have to follow. While I have only had time to skim read the 666 page document it does make for some alarming reading and I wonder how these men will have time to commit to such a daunting task. Much of the writing is very forcefully with extensive use of Old Testament verses as ‘cornerstones’. Sadly, due to heavy editorial commitments I will focus on three of the real dangerous aspects of this covenant.

Firstly, men will have to style their hair incorporating the ‘Tamaki’ wave. This is a time consuming and delicate hair process that requires constant combing and excessive use of hair gel bought from K-Mart. However, the results are startling and if blow dried in the correct manner ensure you are part of the Destiny clan. History shows that the ‘Tamaki’ hairstyle has changed over the years as fashion in New Zealand has also moved. Thankfully, the style is so adaptable that only minor Destiny Church constitutional changes were required during the mullet era of the 1980’s and the shaggy ‘I just woke up’ style popular in the 1990’s. Scriptural backing for this strange focus comes from 1 Corinthians 11:3 where it says ‘Now I want you to realise the head of everyman is Christ.’

Secondly, when reading the covenant I was struck by the levels of commitment that many followers will be expected to reach. Most of them will need to buy a lavish array of boats, motor cars and motorbikes just to keep up with their leader. As one eager Destiny Church member said last week after signing on the dotted line;

“How can I follow Brian if he is in his 50 foot, twin hulled, nuclear powered launch and all I have is a 25ph Mercury on a 12ft tinny. Tomorrow, I’m extending the mortgage, cancelling the telephone and putting a down payment on a new Bayliner 350XL and a Harley Davidson in case the Bishop heads for the hills. Wherever the Bishop goes I will follow!”

While I felt this man’s enthusiasm was a little misguided, when reading this part of the covenant I kept thinking “How close does one have to follow Bishop Tamaki?” The covenant does call for total dedication but the man already has 15 bodyguards when he goes to the toilet. Add to that the 700 who signed on today and the cubical is starting to fill very quickly.

Finally and most concerning for me is that fact that under the new covenant people will not be able to disagree openly with the Bishop. While I understand his logic in putting this in his covenant, Bishop Tamaki will have a harder time ensuring this works effectively. I speak from personally experience here as I once tried a similar contract with my family. Sure things went well for the first 7 minutes but then my wife read what I had called ‘The Ten Commandments for living with Ozy’ and she just ripped it up.

My fear is that this will surely put many men in difficult positions. Firstly, The Bishop is from Rotorua and probably supports the Bay of Plenty Steamers Rugby team. While I have no problem with that would happen if at the annual church BBQ the topic around the cookery turned to rugby. Everybody would have to wait until the Bishop had spoken about who he thought would win and then it would be just an agree-athon between everyone else. Heaven help the man who went against Bishop Tamaki and suggested a Canterbury victory.

While I have only focussed on the negative the covenant does have some good points. Please remember dear reader there is always two sides to every coin tossed into the Destiny Church offering plate each week. The main benefit is for the Destiny Political Party as they now have 700 new people signed on which will hopefully mean they will double their entire vote count for the next election. Importantly though, the covenant challenges New Zealanders to improve their lives as humans, as fathers and as leaders in the community. While you might not agree with some aspects of the covenant we all must agree that improving our families and communities is an important step for New Zealand.

The perfect 'Tamaki' hairstyle. This is the 2005 version which includes less of a mullet, but still gives room for improvisation- as long as its within the DCC-HA (Destiny Church Constitution - Hairstyle Appendix)