THIS FILM MUST BE BANNED!

Today we have a guest sermon from one of our faithful congregation of Density Church:


To all the Chosen gathered here in the presence of his most high reverend Bishop/King Brian. I address you, nay beseech you in our time of need.


I Arthur Idyard Hill, Humble servant of the Lord have in my internet researches discovered an insidious plot masquerading as common entertainment to the unknowing sheep out there. The evil of which I speak is a Film Named [REC]2.
Although I am loathe to discuss the details I must dwell constantly day and night on unspeakable acts to save the rest of you from the same spiritual pain. Hear me speak of its particularly shocking and abhorrent nature here:



And join me on the Face book group BAN REC2 FROM NZ!

Thank you and Remember! Satan messes your hair now, not because of what you've done, but because of what you're going to do.

Yours in Density, Arthur Idyard

The Bishop wants to become a King

In recent days the Destiny Church has announced that 700 men have signed a pledge to follow their leader, Brian ‘not a hair out of place’ Tamaki, wherever he may go. The covenant was unveiled at the recent Destiny Conference where this new covenant was delivered via a slick PowerPoint and media presentation with accompanying confetti and balloons.

Mainstream media have focussed on some of the trivial aspects of this new covenant, such as bowing down before their leader, not eating before he starts his tucker and providing him with impromptu gifts. This media focus has outraged the local Freemason Society who are understandably gobsmacked by the sudden celebrity status of Destiny Church. Their leader, Iva Limpheart, was reported as saying “we have been running a bona-fide cult now for 72 years in New Zealand and we get no free advertising through the media. Destiny Church come along and writes a small pamphlet styled, Xeroxed produced, list of dos, don’t and follow me and they get instant Cult status. They don’t even have a secret handshake, one of the basic foundations of any cult. Deplorable.”

Here at Density Church we located and read the entire covenant which highlights some of the less talked about protocols the ‘Mini Tamakies’ will have to follow. While I have only had time to skim read the 666 page document it does make for some alarming reading and I wonder how these men will have time to commit to such a daunting task. Much of the writing is very forcefully with extensive use of Old Testament verses as ‘cornerstones’. Sadly, due to heavy editorial commitments I will focus on three of the real dangerous aspects of this covenant.

Firstly, men will have to style their hair incorporating the ‘Tamaki’ wave. This is a time consuming and delicate hair process that requires constant combing and excessive use of hair gel bought from K-Mart. However, the results are startling and if blow dried in the correct manner ensure you are part of the Destiny clan. History shows that the ‘Tamaki’ hairstyle has changed over the years as fashion in New Zealand has also moved. Thankfully, the style is so adaptable that only minor Destiny Church constitutional changes were required during the mullet era of the 1980’s and the shaggy ‘I just woke up’ style popular in the 1990’s. Scriptural backing for this strange focus comes from 1 Corinthians 11:3 where it says ‘Now I want you to realise the head of everyman is Christ.’

Secondly, when reading the covenant I was struck by the levels of commitment that many followers will be expected to reach. Most of them will need to buy a lavish array of boats, motor cars and motorbikes just to keep up with their leader. As one eager Destiny Church member said last week after signing on the dotted line;

“How can I follow Brian if he is in his 50 foot, twin hulled, nuclear powered launch and all I have is a 25ph Mercury on a 12ft tinny. Tomorrow, I’m extending the mortgage, cancelling the telephone and putting a down payment on a new Bayliner 350XL and a Harley Davidson in case the Bishop heads for the hills. Wherever the Bishop goes I will follow!”

While I felt this man’s enthusiasm was a little misguided, when reading this part of the covenant I kept thinking “How close does one have to follow Bishop Tamaki?” The covenant does call for total dedication but the man already has 15 bodyguards when he goes to the toilet. Add to that the 700 who signed on today and the cubical is starting to fill very quickly.

Finally and most concerning for me is that fact that under the new covenant people will not be able to disagree openly with the Bishop. While I understand his logic in putting this in his covenant, Bishop Tamaki will have a harder time ensuring this works effectively. I speak from personally experience here as I once tried a similar contract with my family. Sure things went well for the first 7 minutes but then my wife read what I had called ‘The Ten Commandments for living with Ozy’ and she just ripped it up.

My fear is that this will surely put many men in difficult positions. Firstly, The Bishop is from Rotorua and probably supports the Bay of Plenty Steamers Rugby team. While I have no problem with that would happen if at the annual church BBQ the topic around the cookery turned to rugby. Everybody would have to wait until the Bishop had spoken about who he thought would win and then it would be just an agree-athon between everyone else. Heaven help the man who went against Bishop Tamaki and suggested a Canterbury victory.

While I have only focussed on the negative the covenant does have some good points. Please remember dear reader there is always two sides to every coin tossed into the Destiny Church offering plate each week. The main benefit is for the Destiny Political Party as they now have 700 new people signed on which will hopefully mean they will double their entire vote count for the next election. Importantly though, the covenant challenges New Zealanders to improve their lives as humans, as fathers and as leaders in the community. While you might not agree with some aspects of the covenant we all must agree that improving our families and communities is an important step for New Zealand.

The perfect 'Tamaki' hairstyle. This is the 2005 version which includes less of a mullet, but still gives room for improvisation- as long as its within the DCC-HA (Destiny Church Constitution - Hairstyle Appendix)

Poor me, I'm living on the poverty line....

Am barely scrapping by... please donate more money so I can carry on my good works.

Church gives Tamaki huge bonus

Brian Tamaki is given up to $500,000 every year in donations from Destiny Church members on top of his six-figure salary, according to a former employee.

Jesus goes to Destiny Church

Jesus is not pleased by what he sees at Destiny Church....

(skip to 1:57 for when Jesus starts singing & earlier 1:31 for when he starts clearing the temple out...)

Questions for Density Church: Taking it to the "next level"

As always feel free to ask us any spiritual questions about Density Church, and either I or one of my anointed congregation will answer it for you.

Here is our latest question, from Cameron Gray:

Brian, I'm not really ready to make another commitment to the church, but i do need answers. I have talked to my friend David here alot and well.... I have been with my girlfriend for a very long time (2 years) and was just wondering, does the destiny church think its ok to... ugh... take it to the next level? I know dave (sadly broke up a little while ago) was in a relationship and was nearly there but decided not to. It's hard being virgins unlike all of our friends

Thank you Cameron for you thoughtful question, I hope you will soon see the light that I am the one spokesman here on Earth for God and to join us at Density Church this coming Sunday.

And no, I do not believe it is appropriate for a person of your spiritual age to "take it to the next level" and start holding hands with another person of the opposite gender (it IS of the opposite gender right?).

Cameron replies with a follow up question...
Everyone tells me: "it's not gay if you're friends"

Answer...
I do believe the phrase you are looking for is: "it is not gay if you don't push back", which is of course completely false.

As we know (those of us who have been dutifully going along to Density Church) if you so much as look at a person lustfully then you have already sinned.

So thus we find from our studies that if you even thought of having sex with your friend then it as if you have already done this sin (and if you have already "done" it.... then having sex with him is not going to make any difference is it?).

Reference: "But I tell you that whoever looks at a woman and cherishes lustful thoughts has already in his heart become guilty with regard to her." Matthew 5:28

Yours in the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Lord High Bishop Brian Tamariki

Brian Tamaki Talks About His Love For Drugs

Raybon Kan on Destiny Church

Eating Media Lunch: It's Good To Be Brian Tamaki

Nocturnal Emissions

Question: Dear Brian

I am 14 years old, and am a bit embarrassed to ask you this. But I will, because of some guilt feelings I'm having. The other night, while I was asleep, I had a nocturnal emission. I woke up to discover a wet patch. I had no control over this obviously, because I was asleep. But I felt a lot of guilt about it afterwards, and wondered if having a nocturnal emission is a sin? Should I ask for forgiveness for this?

Robert Rakiti

Answer: Dear Robert

Thanks for your question, Robert. Your sense of guilt is for a very good reason. Having a nocturnal emission is a sin, and is just as much a sin as killing someone - even though it is completely involuntary. In the Word of God, Leviticus 15 requires that every time a man
ejaculates he is unclean until the end of the day! God knows that male discharges are incredibly hazardous. Seminal ejaculation is a sin, and the Bible tells us that they must be amended for - through offerings to God and a ritual cleansing. It is for this very reason that Penni
and I only have sexual intercourse when I know I can stay within the confines of my home all day afterwards. For God's holy law is good, and protects us against disease.

This law is set out both in Leviticus 15.16 and Deuteronomy 23.10-11:

"If a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening."
- Leviticus 15.16

"If one of you becomes unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he shall go outside the camp; he must not come within the camp. When evening comes, he shall wash himself with water, and when the sun has set, he may come back into the camp."
- Deut 23.10-11

Did you see what it said in Deuteronomy? God's law also applies to nocturnal emissions! Yup - even if a man has an involuntarily ejaculation in his sleep, he is considered 'unclean' in the eyes of
God. For we are fallen creatures. And we can sin even when we don't know it, because of the original sin of Adam.

That's why the Jews required that a man had to make a sin offering for the forgiveness of his sin of ejaculation. God doesn't approve of our ejaculations. Oh no! Ejaculating is a result of our sinful natures, and every time we wake up feeling the sticky residue of an involuntary nocturnal emission, we should pray for forgiveness. Before Jesus came, the Jews had to sacrifice a turtledove as a sin offering for offending God with their ejaculations. Ejaculating is indeed a sin! Leviticus 15.14-15 required that:

"On the eighth day a man who ejaculated shall take two turtledoves or two pigeons and come before Yahweh to the entrance of the tent of meeting and give them to the priest. The priest shall offer them, one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make atonement on his behalf before Yahweh for his discharge."

Nowadays, however, Christians can pray for forgiveness of our ejaculations - directly to God, without the intervention of a priest. This is where the Whore of Babylon, the Roman Catholic Church, is wrong. They still think that we need a priest to intervene between us and God, but I'm telling you that we can pray directly to Jesus and say "sorry about that ejaculation, Lord Jesus!"

And just in case you spit your semen at anyone else lying near you, please remember that they are just as unclean as you. As Leviticus 15.8 teaches:

"If the one with the discharge spits on persons who are clean, then they shall wash their clothes, and bathe in water, and be unclean until the evening."

You don't want to be spat upon by an unclean ejaculator! Oh no! So if you happen to sleep in the same room as your brother, and he accidentally gets spat on with your nocturnal emission, remember the Bible tells us he has to pray for forgiveness as well. But thank God that He has provided us with His Law to cleanse ourselves again!! Worldly Doctors will try to tell you that seminal ejaculations are actually quite pure. And I am even aware of some doctors who have told loose women that semen is remarkably high in protein. But they should read the Word of God to discover the truth!

The Word of God does not lie! Seminal ejaculations will cause disease, so you've got to clean yourself afterwards, as well as all your clothes and bed-sheets. Not only that, but ejaculating - even if it is an unconscious nocturnal emission - causes spiritual disease! And that's the reason that God requires your repentance for the Sin of Ejaculation.

Praise the Lord for His Word!!
Brian Tamariki
Senior Pastor, Density Church